I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
