chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
