it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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