Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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