nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
