so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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