I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
