I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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