Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Found the puke drawer
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
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We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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