so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
