Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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