in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
