I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
