Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
