I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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