Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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