I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
