I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We're too hungover to prance.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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