so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
