I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
