chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
