Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
