They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
