If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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