i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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