Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
COCAINE IS GR8
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
