What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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