Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
