Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
