I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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