I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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