does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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