Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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