sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
