I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
