totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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