Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
