you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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