I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
