My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize