you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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