fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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