She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
