I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
