Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
