I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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