a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
