my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
