i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
