Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
