Moan for me like Helen Keller
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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